Thursday, May 28, 2015

How to Care for Your Dog, 1607

Topsell, The History of Four-Footed Beasts (1658)
"It is the nature of a Dogge when he maketh water, to holde vp his legge... the females doe it for the most part sitting, yet some of the genereous spirits do also hold vp their legges. They euer smell to the hinder partes of one another... when they lie downe they turne round in a circle, two or three times together, which they do for no other cause, but that they may the more commodiously lie round, and from the wind. They sleepe as doth a man, and therein dreame very often, as may appeare by their often barking in their sleepe... 
They cannot endure Wine, but bread sopped in Wine they deuoure, dryed flesh & bread in Milke is their safest foode, if Cummin bee now and then mixed in their bread, they are not much troubled with wind in their bellyes. If you put a little Oyle in their Water to drinke or lappe, they will proue more able and swift to runne. If he refuse and loath his meate, take a little whot bread and giue it him before meat, or dip broune bread in vineger and so presse or squise the liquor thereof into his nose, and it will ease him." 
Edward Topsell, The Historie of Foure-Footed Beastes
The gassy dog: man's hilarious, appalling best friend since forever.

Monday, May 25, 2015

How to Have Long-Lasting Shoes, 1660

Hans Sachs, Beschreibung aller Stände (1568)
"To be at small charges for Shooes, you may have the best, and almost everlasting, made of the back part of an Ass, where he useth to carry burdens upon: these Shooes will never wear out, for if a Man always walk amongst Stones or Thornes they decay not. But with too much age they will grow so hard that it is impossible to pull them on." 
Johann Jacob Wecker, Eighteen Books of the Secrets of Art and Nature
These ass-leather shoes aren't just footwear, they're a life partner.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

How to Defend Your Garden from Pests, 1824

George Shaw, Zoological Lectures (1809), NYPL
"With respect to caterpillars, snails, and slugs, they can only be gathered by hand, and the way to do this effectually is to begin as soon as they appear, employing women or children to look them over daily early in the morning. Poultry, and especially ducks and sea-gulls, are sometimes of use in keeping these and other insects under; a hen and chickens will devour caterpillars and aphides greedily, but are apt to scratch the soil afterwards, if not timely removed; turkey fowls are better." 
John Claudius Loudon, An Encyclopaedia of Gardening
For pest control, try keeping a flock of women and children in your garden this year.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

How to Spend Your Summer, 1465

Walters Art Museum W.175, f. 8r
"Choler rises from May 8 to August 6. Then we should use cold and moist foods, work sparingly and use roast meat in small amounts as we often do before a meal. Drink should be diluted as much as possible so as to take away thirst and not let the body be hot, but we should totally avoid sex." 
Bartolomeo Platina, De honesta voluptate et valetudine
Recipe for a choleric summer: weak drinks, micro-barbecues, and celibacy.

Monday, May 11, 2015

How to Compliment a Lady, 1737

A Group of Figures, c. 1750, Lewis Walpole Library (Yale University)
Amorous compliments endorsed by Wits Cabinet: Or, a Companion for Young Men and Ladies: 
Lady, the Magazine of all rich Treasure is contained in your Perfections.  
Lover, Lady, Those Divine Beams proceeding from your Eyes, are able to thaw the frozen Earth without another Sun.  
Your Voice is such a one, that should the Holy Churchmen use it, it would without the Addition of more Exorcisms, disinchant Houses, and tie up the Night Ghosts that haunt the solitary Groves. 
Turn back your Comet Eyes, or I shall perish in the Flames. 
Her Forehead is a goodly Prospect, that shows like a Castle commanding some goodly Country.   
Her Breasts are two Mountains of Snow, from the two Fountains of which Cupid himself sucks Nectar.
What woman doesn't secretly want to hear that her voice could drive ghosts from a house and her forehead looks like the headquarters of a provincial government? 

More inspiration: How to Compliment a Lady, 1663

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

How to Protect Against Disease, c. 1470

British Library, Burney 275, f. 379v
"Anyone who can ride a bear the distance of nine paces without faltering will be immunized against nine kinds of sicknesses." 
The Distaff Gospels
Vaccinations or a bear rodeo: I think you know which is more fun.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

How to Cure Bad Breath, 1664

Allegories of the Senses (1651), Wellcome Library
"The Breathing is faulty when it stinketh. As when the Breath smells of Excrements or of dead fish, or rotten Cheese or the like... This is troublesome, and better known to the standers by then the Patient... the Breath that comes forth at the Nose, when it stinks, causeth the Disease called the Stink of the Nose, which is intolerable to the Standers by, and makes them that are troubled therewith to be shunned... 
You must hold sweet things in the mouth, and chew, and sometimes swallow them... Citron peels, Roses, Bayes, Marjoram, Smallage of Parsley chewed, taketh away the stink of Garlick and the like, and conceals that which is from the mouth... We use such things to be snuffed, or poured into the Nose to cause a sweet Scent, as Spanish Wine in which Basil, Marjoram, Calamints, Bayes, Lavender-flowers, Cinnamon, and Cloves have been infused." 
Platerus Golden Practice
If the Past offers you a citron peel, take it.